Blake's Best Friend

I wrote this blog post a couple of weeks ago but since then I have had some physical issues to work thru. So this is up later than I meant it to be and the pictures are not really recent, but I will post some 2 month photos really soon! Enjoy...

In a previous blog, I shared how I met Kelly who had a Down's baby just a few short weeks before I had Blake. The crazy thing is that her story and her son's story are so incredibly close to my own. Last week, Blake and Jackson got to meet formally. I am completely amazed at all the coincidences! They live little more than a mile apart; they were born within a month of each other; and each little boy's special needs was a surprise to his Mama. Not to mention, Kelly and I are only months apart with our birthdays and we each have a teaching background. The minute I met Kelly, I burst into tears with the wonder of it all. It was just an amazing thing. We met at the lactation clinic here in Greeley. A nurse pulled me aside and I couldn't imagine what she wanted to tell me or ask me. When she told me Kelly's story and asked if we would like to meet, I was absolutely elated! Of course I wanted to meet Kelly and I couldn't believe the similar circumstances surrounding our stories. These little boys are so lucky to have each other and to have the love of so many wonderful people. These little boys have brought us together.

So many things have been like that thru all of this and I have been blown away by the support and comfort I have received from so many people. I can't believe already how much Blake has brought people closer and how he has shown me so much already thru people's love and care. As the years have gone by I have fallen out of touch with so many people but thru all of this, I have reconnected with dear friends and old acquaintances, some of whom I hadn't seen in 15 years or more! I am touched by the love and so amazed that Blake already has so many friends. I feel like he connects people already thru his sweet nature and his charm. I am a lucky person just to have him and and see how he will reach everyone he meets.

I have a dear friend with a sweet Down's baby who wrote this to me and I am beginning to see how true it is: "I grew in understanding that day that my daughter is in a special privileged club. I will never get to be in that club, but will only be known as her mother. And let me tell you, at 4 1/2, it seems like she knows everyone in town, or they are just a good friend that she hasn't met yet. I think I am one of the lucky ones that gets to be part of the club by proxy."

I am blessed because of this little boy - I wouldn't have met the people I have or had the experiences I am or will have without this little guy in my life. I was chosen for this. That is an incredible thought - because it was so easy in the beginning to think of this as my trial and with the things I have already experienced and the people I have met, I am coming to see how it is my blessing and something I never knew I might actually be thankful for.

3 AM Thoughts and Feedings...

I have struggled with what to write - sometimes the honesty in my soul isn't exactly something I want to put in my blog but that is what the blog is. A baring of my soul and a finding of my way thru blogging and journaling. I have found thru my entire life that I discover things about myself when I write - even those emotionally wrought junior high journals, would show me things about myself that I didn't know until I started rereading what I wrote. Not sure why that is - somehow putting words to paper, or in this case putting words to a blog, feelings just seem clearer and thoughts become more concrete. I get to know myself better by looking back over what I have written and it is an amazing process.

So here I am...I guess the best way to describe what I am feeling now conflict. I feel fine with Blake's diagnosis on one hand - I love him so much. I love getting him up in the morning and smelling his sweet baby smell. I love his sweet eyes looking into mine. I love that when we try to do therapy or eating or even burping, that his eyes are looking everywhere with such wonder, taking the world in in every way he can - listening, looking and just absorbing. I never realized how expressive he would be. He looks up at the ceiling with his mouth slightly open as if in wonder and he takes in the ceiling fan with such intent or he looks up at the picture on the wall, or he focuses on something I can't even seem to see. He is learning his world. I love his morning hours when he just lays on his baby bear mat and kicks and kicks and coos to himself about what he is thinking.

I love that he starts a small fuss in the middle of the night to let me know he is hungry - not out right yelling, unless I ignore him too long. But he is so sweet in so many ways and I love when he looks up at me with those little elf like features and just stirs my heart. I long to comfort him when he does cry so hard that his little body is completely set on that cry and he can do nothing else for the moment. I love to put him against my shoulder and hug him and comfort him from whatever is upsetting his sweet baby mind.

On the other hand, I am still struggling with what I know is true even tho I don't feel it when I look into Blake's sweet face. I am struggling with a whole list of things that I never wanted to have to deal with. I never wanted case workers in my home within 3 weeks of Blake's birth. I never imagined having to do a session of therapy every morning and afternoon with my newborn son. I never thought I would be dealing with this - I even skipped those chapters in my pregnancy books because I didn't even consider this reality. It doesn't hurt like it did in the first week - I feel at peace with it. I just struggle with the journey I never chose to take. It's like I am asking myself, can I make a choice here and go another way? But I don't have a choice anymore and that option isn't even thereand that scares me a bit and makes me feel a weight in my heart. This is my life now and I am trying to find my way thru it.

When I look into Blake's sweet face at 2am, I feel so much peace. He is so sweet and he is the reason I can live without sleep and the reason I can help him and be there for him every day and get up for every night time feeding. He is my reason for getting thru this. It is amazing that even tho he is so small, he is the one I lean on for comfort and he is the one getting me thru this! I love that sweet, sweet boy!