Blake is 4 months old!

How does time go so fast and so slow at the same time? I feel like I can't believe it has been 4 months since Blake was born but in the same breath, I feel like I have lived a lifetime in those 4 months. The things I didn't expect and the things I did have combined and made for a roller coaster ride over this past season. I expected to feel sleep deprived and excited. I expected to feel moments of joy and moments when I felt overwhelmed. What I didn't expect was all that would happen when that nurse told me shortly after delivery that my baby had Trisomy 21. Those few little moments changed my life forever and the last 4 months have been a whirlwind of the expected and the unexpected with doctors appointments and therapy sessions. Before that diagnosis, I thought my life would go on much as before - I would go back to teaching this fall and life would essentially be the same with one new member in our little family.

But life has been a turn and a half for me! I felt so disoriented and still do often. I am trying to do the best I can by Blake and we often have 3 separate therapy sessions a day and meet with the actual therapist once a week. It is intense and emotional. I feel elated when he does something he is supposed to and worried when he doesn't. It is more than just a physical workout everyday for Blake and me - it is an emotional workout in which I feel my heart leap and dive thru every little thing Blake does or does not do. I want so badly for him to grow and learn but I don't want to push him too hard or too much. I still want to be his loving mom first and foremost. So... Blake and I are learning together and trying to maneuver on this path that life is taking us on.

Who knew what a turn life would take. Above all, I can't say how much I love my little angel and what I feel when I look at him. He is my sunshine and I feel beyond thankful for him. He is filling my life with purpose and love and giving so much more than I even thought possible. At four months he is sitting in his Bumbo chair, beaming when Daddy makes funny faces and reaching out to touch our cheeks and chins. I love watching his curiosity and his zest for life. He is my little love Bug and I enjoy my every minute with him! I hate to put him in his crib at night because I miss him so much. I guess I was scared of what Down's syndrome meant and how that would affect my baby. But more and more I see that he is engaged and happy and so ready to laugh at the silly things I do for him. He tackles tummy time and his exercises with gusto! And he starting to yell out in joy when he sees his favorite toy.He is everything and more I could have hoped for in a baby and he is mine!

Here is a pic of Daddy reading to him - he is starting to look at a book when he is read to and get excited about the pictures he sees. So exciting!

My baby is 3 months old...

Blake is a sweet little cuddly bundle against my cheek. But he isn't so little any more. He now weighs almost 11 pounds and is getting so strong. He can push off with his legs and lift his head during tummy time. I am so thankful that he is growing so strong and happy. But I often ask him what he did with that tiny little 5 pound, 2 ounce baby they handed me in the hospital.

As the months have sped by, I find myself, more and more, feeling so thankful. Thankful that he is right on track with his milestones - he can follow an object and coo at his favorite toys. The fact that he has favorite toys is a huge blessing in a Down's child. I found that out last week. I am thankful that he is such a happy baby. He wakes up just observing his world and he rarely cries. And when he does it is because he is hungry!

I still feel sad on occasion because I wanted a different life for my little sweetie. But he doesn't know any different - he is conquering life full steam ahead and loving every minute! His personality is the sweetest and kindest soul - I really feel that. He has so much to give! I know as much as I need him, others are going to need him too and that he already has a magnetism that attracts people to him. It is more than being a cute baby (although he is that too!) but he seems to draw people in and he smiles and makes them feel loved already. I sure love that little guy. Enjoy some of these 3 month pics! He is growing so fast.

Blake's Best Friend

I wrote this blog post a couple of weeks ago but since then I have had some physical issues to work thru. So this is up later than I meant it to be and the pictures are not really recent, but I will post some 2 month photos really soon! Enjoy...

In a previous blog, I shared how I met Kelly who had a Down's baby just a few short weeks before I had Blake. The crazy thing is that her story and her son's story are so incredibly close to my own. Last week, Blake and Jackson got to meet formally. I am completely amazed at all the coincidences! They live little more than a mile apart; they were born within a month of each other; and each little boy's special needs was a surprise to his Mama. Not to mention, Kelly and I are only months apart with our birthdays and we each have a teaching background. The minute I met Kelly, I burst into tears with the wonder of it all. It was just an amazing thing. We met at the lactation clinic here in Greeley. A nurse pulled me aside and I couldn't imagine what she wanted to tell me or ask me. When she told me Kelly's story and asked if we would like to meet, I was absolutely elated! Of course I wanted to meet Kelly and I couldn't believe the similar circumstances surrounding our stories. These little boys are so lucky to have each other and to have the love of so many wonderful people. These little boys have brought us together.

So many things have been like that thru all of this and I have been blown away by the support and comfort I have received from so many people. I can't believe already how much Blake has brought people closer and how he has shown me so much already thru people's love and care. As the years have gone by I have fallen out of touch with so many people but thru all of this, I have reconnected with dear friends and old acquaintances, some of whom I hadn't seen in 15 years or more! I am touched by the love and so amazed that Blake already has so many friends. I feel like he connects people already thru his sweet nature and his charm. I am a lucky person just to have him and and see how he will reach everyone he meets.

I have a dear friend with a sweet Down's baby who wrote this to me and I am beginning to see how true it is: "I grew in understanding that day that my daughter is in a special privileged club. I will never get to be in that club, but will only be known as her mother. And let me tell you, at 4 1/2, it seems like she knows everyone in town, or they are just a good friend that she hasn't met yet. I think I am one of the lucky ones that gets to be part of the club by proxy."

I am blessed because of this little boy - I wouldn't have met the people I have or had the experiences I am or will have without this little guy in my life. I was chosen for this. That is an incredible thought - because it was so easy in the beginning to think of this as my trial and with the things I have already experienced and the people I have met, I am coming to see how it is my blessing and something I never knew I might actually be thankful for.

3 AM Thoughts and Feedings...

I have struggled with what to write - sometimes the honesty in my soul isn't exactly something I want to put in my blog but that is what the blog is. A baring of my soul and a finding of my way thru blogging and journaling. I have found thru my entire life that I discover things about myself when I write - even those emotionally wrought junior high journals, would show me things about myself that I didn't know until I started rereading what I wrote. Not sure why that is - somehow putting words to paper, or in this case putting words to a blog, feelings just seem clearer and thoughts become more concrete. I get to know myself better by looking back over what I have written and it is an amazing process.

So here I am...I guess the best way to describe what I am feeling now conflict. I feel fine with Blake's diagnosis on one hand - I love him so much. I love getting him up in the morning and smelling his sweet baby smell. I love his sweet eyes looking into mine. I love that when we try to do therapy or eating or even burping, that his eyes are looking everywhere with such wonder, taking the world in in every way he can - listening, looking and just absorbing. I never realized how expressive he would be. He looks up at the ceiling with his mouth slightly open as if in wonder and he takes in the ceiling fan with such intent or he looks up at the picture on the wall, or he focuses on something I can't even seem to see. He is learning his world. I love his morning hours when he just lays on his baby bear mat and kicks and kicks and coos to himself about what he is thinking.

I love that he starts a small fuss in the middle of the night to let me know he is hungry - not out right yelling, unless I ignore him too long. But he is so sweet in so many ways and I love when he looks up at me with those little elf like features and just stirs my heart. I long to comfort him when he does cry so hard that his little body is completely set on that cry and he can do nothing else for the moment. I love to put him against my shoulder and hug him and comfort him from whatever is upsetting his sweet baby mind.

On the other hand, I am still struggling with what I know is true even tho I don't feel it when I look into Blake's sweet face. I am struggling with a whole list of things that I never wanted to have to deal with. I never wanted case workers in my home within 3 weeks of Blake's birth. I never imagined having to do a session of therapy every morning and afternoon with my newborn son. I never thought I would be dealing with this - I even skipped those chapters in my pregnancy books because I didn't even consider this reality. It doesn't hurt like it did in the first week - I feel at peace with it. I just struggle with the journey I never chose to take. It's like I am asking myself, can I make a choice here and go another way? But I don't have a choice anymore and that option isn't even thereand that scares me a bit and makes me feel a weight in my heart. This is my life now and I am trying to find my way thru it.

When I look into Blake's sweet face at 2am, I feel so much peace. He is so sweet and he is the reason I can live without sleep and the reason I can help him and be there for him every day and get up for every night time feeding. He is my reason for getting thru this. It is amazing that even tho he is so small, he is the one I lean on for comfort and he is the one getting me thru this! I love that sweet, sweet boy!

One Month Old

Today is my baby's 1 month birthday! One month already!!! Time just flies - this has been the most sleep deprived month of my life! I never knew I could be so exhausted. I wrote this entry a few days ago, but I will post it now and go hug my little guy while you read it...

It is so hot this summer! This summer just hasn't been what I thought it would be at any point in my journey. I usually love the fresh Colorado summers - yup, some of those days are HOT but some days are just amazing and remind me why we live in this state - we have a crisp coolness that comes in at night and makes the hot day worth it. But not this summer with so many dry days and in between my life staring me boldly in the face, I have seen and heard of the wild fires that have been so desperately terrible and have ravaged others lives. I feel bad that I have been so caught up in my own world and haven't even thought about the fires as much as I probably would have any other time of my life.

It seems like everyone's summer has been different than planned - and mine really has! Almost a month has gone by and I find myself at a completely different place than before it began. I am going places I didn't ever before imagine and I am doing things I never even thought of.

Am I being guided? Is this part of the plan for my life? I never saw myself traveling this way and meeting the people that I now am. We had an evaluation last week with our case worker last week - I wondered to myself, what can they possibly evaluate at 3 weeks of age?? He is so small and the thought of needing physical and speech therapy at this point seems odd. But they actually made me feel better and feel more hope for everything that my little Taco will be able to do! He can lift his head and he has actually rolled over! And they were really impressed. But then the other side of me hurts because I know I wouldn't be at this evaluation and I wouldn't be worried about all these little things if he was a typical baby. I never saw myself in this group of people - it is new thing for me and everyone is so kind. But a part of me doesn't want to be a part of any of it and I just want to imagine soccer camps and baseball and everything I saw myself doing a couple of months ago. I didn't imagine giving all that up for therapy sessions and meeting with other parents of Down's kids. But in the same breath, I feel very lucky to meet these people.

Like Kelly - I met Kelly shortly after Blake came in to the world and I couldn't believe what a staggering coincidence that we would meet, be in the same area, be the same age, and have such similar backgrounds. Why? Because Kelly had a Down's baby just before I did, in the SAME month! Her son and mine! Both an unexpected surprise! When we met, we both just burst into tears! What was the likelihood of this happening? What was the chance of us living so close to each other in the same town? Both of us are so thankful that our little guys will grow up together and be friends. Like it or not, my first thoughts were whether or not my little Taco would have friends - would he have someone to play with and build forts with? Would he have a friend to have sleep overs with and share birthday parties? Everybody assured me that he would be loved and accepted and I know that there are so many good people in the world, but there is also reality and I was so worried that my little guy would be loved and accepted. I want the best for him! What parent wouldn't, right? So with meeting Kelly and her son, I know that life is going the direction it should for me - not necessarily what I envisioned, but a new path and hopefully a better path.

A Picnic

Dan and I went for a picnic with our little Taco last week! What a fabulous feeling to get out and feel a bit of normalcy! These past few weeks have been so draining physically and emotionally. I guess the most overwhelming feeling lately is that I have a baby! I have a little 6 pound bundle that relies on me for EVERYTHING! Our lives are divided into 3 hour segments, start to start! Feed, Play, Sleep and Feed, Play, Sleep and around and around it goes. And Taco is very demanding if he doesn't get what he is looking for right then and there!

It cracks me up that he has so much personality and expression at this age. He is so small but he can voice his opinions very well. From not wanting to burp while he is eating, to looking at an object with such intense interest, that nothing can break his concentration.

I love watching his eyes take in the world - he is such a sweet baby. Of course he has his crying fits, but mostly he smiles at us and he seems to get excited when Daddy comes over to hold and play with him.

So more than the Down's diagnosis, I find myself just realizing we have a new little life in the house. That diagnosis has faded a bit in its intensity of making its presence known in our lives and it leaves behind a warm good feeling of knowing I have a little life that is dependent on me and who is so full of love and life! I can't believe he is mine - it is such a strange feeling to look over while I am making lunch and see little arms and legs kicking and feeling out the world. I really have a little guy to love and hold and I know how very lucky I am!

We took some Subway sandwiches down to the lake near our house and just had a wonderful time. I hope you enjoy the pics I snapped while we were there. It was such a joy to watch my little guy sleep away the time and he didn't seem to mind that I took about a 100 pictures!!

Feeding time...

I just have to share what a joy it is to feed my little Taco - or as I like to refer to it, stuffing my Taco. He cracks me up. First he just smacks his lips 9 million times until I get his bottle ready and then we are off to the races. His favorite thing to do first is to lunge at the bottle like a little snake - he swings his head back and forth and then lunges in to grab the bottle and go at it. I am usually cracking up so bad at this point and still trying to hold on to him. Then comes the burping that we try to do every couple of minutes or so. Taco HATES being burped! He swings back and forth and raises up on his little legs and looks at me like I have to be kidding him! All he wants is that bottle and I am being woefully slow and inadequate in the process. After we succeed in raising a small burp from him, it back to his normal sloppy sounds and sweet noises. It just makes me so happy to make him happy.

A friend of mine wrote a letter to little Blake and it really touched my heart - I know it will touch yours too and so I will share it with you...

"Welcome Blake! I believe you can hear the angels sing, and other special things that most people can't enjoy - and that's how very special you are! What a blessing you are, and always will be. Enjoy life! Enjoy the flowers, the smell of fresh mown grass, the flurry's of winter snow, the majesty of a sun setting in the west in glorious golds, reds and blues. These things will be such a joy to you! And to all those around you who get to enjoy YOU as you grow. I remember years ago, there was a weekly TV series about a young man who is just like you! But he called his condition, UP SYNDROME! May you always be "up" in your world, buoyed by the love family and friends.

I love you, and you don't even know me. But hopefully, someday we'll meet, and we'll hold hands and giggle, and the world will be a better place.

Your friend, Jan"

So my little Taco has "Up" Syndrome! I love that! And truly he does lift me up! He makes me laugh and smile so much more than before. He is such a joy already with little smiles and small noises. He already is trying to communicate with me and I am so thankful for him and I love him so so much!

Dan, my hubs, had such an insightful comment last night - we are imagining a different child and all the therapies and things we will need to do to take care of THAT child and all the hurdles to cross.. But it isn't just any child in the future - it is our Blake. The Blake that is cuddled up to my leg right now as I type away on my laptop; the Blake that makes those sweet little gurgling noises and smiles at me when I feed him, the Blake that has started to coo as if he is realizing he has a voice with which to communicate to me. It is my Blake in those future pictures and my Blake that I love so much and feel such a fierce connection with. So I realize it will be ok...he is mine and I love him more than words can express. I can't get enough of him and ache to be with him when I am apart. He grew under my heart for 9 months and I miss his closeness - it is so hard not to have him there again.

So I will focus on the next feeding and the next diaper change...I can do those things. I can learn my baby as any mother would learn her newborn. It isn't all that overwhelming to change his onesie and live just this moment. It isn't too much to change that poopy diaper and clean him up. I can look at his sweet face and I can hold his tiny hand and I feel complete in this moment. And the future? It is just that! The future! I don't need to look at it right this minute when I have this beautiful bundle next to me.

So many thoughts...

We are officially sleep deprived! It is day 10 since my little Taco's arrival. We have been to the doctor or hospital pretty much every day but Sunday and I have seen more blood drawn out of my little boy than I can stand! It is so hard to watch all of that. But beyond all the stress of knowing he has Down's and hoping I can care for him adequately, we just have newborn stress! He cries all night and sleeps all day and I am not sure how to change that schedule up! And on top of it, we have a loving stream of visitors all day - which I enjoy, but by night, I feel a tired I didn't know existed! Wow! It is amazing! My eyelids officially have a mind of their own and close at will!

But we have so many people bringing meals and love and saying so many sweet things about our little Taco.

As the days have progressed, my feelings still swing around a bit. I have such a peace about his condition - such an assurance that his spirit sought ours and that he was given to us as a trust from above. I have no doubt that this is actually an honor - when I hear that I won't be given more than I can handle, I realize that providence thought I could handle this and that is a huge compliment. But on the flip side, I am fearful and tired and worried and every little thing makes me jump! I am scared and overwhelmed and I have never cried so much in my life. I don't cry - anyone who knows me, knows that! It's not that I am not emotional - but I am a musician and I know how to let my emotions out in a controlled way when I am performing or just living life! But it seems my emotions have over flowed my bowl as of late and they just spill out of me with little control to be had. A song, a look from my little Blake, a fear that crosses my mind and sticks with me like a burr have made it impossible to reign myself in! But when I was in the hospital I remember that nurse that told me just to feel what I do and not judge myself, and that helps.

My little man wants breakfast and I do too...

Today we get to come home - a whole day early! I am so excited to bring my little boy home. I am tired of being checked up on by a nurse every 15 minutes! Take my blood pressure, take my temperature. Take Taco's temperature and check his heart. Has he been fed? Am I ready for my medicine? It is constant and although I know this are amazing nurses and they have done such a fine job of taking care of my little man and me, I am just ready for my own bed and my own house and finding some sense of normalcy again. :)

I feel tears as we walk thru the hospital doors - such a sense of relief to be walking out. Every time I have driven by the hospital in the last 3 months I have felt concern and worry - fear of the unknown and fear of what would happen. And now my worst fear with a c-section has come and gone and I survived and I have a sweet little man to show for it. I look into his face as we wait for the valet to bring our truck and I am so in love with him. It doesn't matter what path we have ahead. I can do this and I will be strong for him.

Dan's mom is at our front door to photograph our arrival. It feels so good to see my home again. I can't believe this is real and true and we are here. I feel relief and joy and as I bring my little Taco into his room, my tears spill over - there is so much love here. Love for my baby boy and an outpouring of love from so many friends and family who brought this room together and made this a gift of love to Blake. It is decorated in monkeys and browns and greens and blues and I am so excited to show it to him. As if he knows, Blake opens his sleepy blue eyes and tries to look around. I tell him this is his room and he is so loved. Maybe it is my imagination but he looks wonder struck and it just makes my heart twist. He is so sweet and I am so thankful I can give him this.