3 AM Thoughts and Feedings...

I have struggled with what to write - sometimes the honesty in my soul isn't exactly something I want to put in my blog but that is what the blog is. A baring of my soul and a finding of my way thru blogging and journaling. I have found thru my entire life that I discover things about myself when I write - even those emotionally wrought junior high journals, would show me things about myself that I didn't know until I started rereading what I wrote. Not sure why that is - somehow putting words to paper, or in this case putting words to a blog, feelings just seem clearer and thoughts become more concrete. I get to know myself better by looking back over what I have written and it is an amazing process.

So here I am...I guess the best way to describe what I am feeling now conflict. I feel fine with Blake's diagnosis on one hand - I love him so much. I love getting him up in the morning and smelling his sweet baby smell. I love his sweet eyes looking into mine. I love that when we try to do therapy or eating or even burping, that his eyes are looking everywhere with such wonder, taking the world in in every way he can - listening, looking and just absorbing. I never realized how expressive he would be. He looks up at the ceiling with his mouth slightly open as if in wonder and he takes in the ceiling fan with such intent or he looks up at the picture on the wall, or he focuses on something I can't even seem to see. He is learning his world. I love his morning hours when he just lays on his baby bear mat and kicks and kicks and coos to himself about what he is thinking.

I love that he starts a small fuss in the middle of the night to let me know he is hungry - not out right yelling, unless I ignore him too long. But he is so sweet in so many ways and I love when he looks up at me with those little elf like features and just stirs my heart. I long to comfort him when he does cry so hard that his little body is completely set on that cry and he can do nothing else for the moment. I love to put him against my shoulder and hug him and comfort him from whatever is upsetting his sweet baby mind.

On the other hand, I am still struggling with what I know is true even tho I don't feel it when I look into Blake's sweet face. I am struggling with a whole list of things that I never wanted to have to deal with. I never wanted case workers in my home within 3 weeks of Blake's birth. I never imagined having to do a session of therapy every morning and afternoon with my newborn son. I never thought I would be dealing with this - I even skipped those chapters in my pregnancy books because I didn't even consider this reality. It doesn't hurt like it did in the first week - I feel at peace with it. I just struggle with the journey I never chose to take. It's like I am asking myself, can I make a choice here and go another way? But I don't have a choice anymore and that option isn't even thereand that scares me a bit and makes me feel a weight in my heart. This is my life now and I am trying to find my way thru it.

When I look into Blake's sweet face at 2am, I feel so much peace. He is so sweet and he is the reason I can live without sleep and the reason I can help him and be there for him every day and get up for every night time feeding. He is my reason for getting thru this. It is amazing that even tho he is so small, he is the one I lean on for comfort and he is the one getting me thru this! I love that sweet, sweet boy!