The Advent of Blake Alan Swanson

Last week, my life changed forever! It was bigger than just giving birth and bringing a little boy into the world! It was bigger than everything I imagined my life to be after deciding to start a family... but let me back track a bit...

Dan and I decided after much deliberation thru the summer of 2011, that we did indeed want to start a family and find out what it was like to bring a little person into our lives. After a quick 2 months of making that decision, I took a pregnancy test and was thrilled to see it was positive! That was October 20th. But I didn't believe the test and proceeded to take 3 more to be really sure!! I didn't tell Dan right away since he was on a business trip. But two days later he came home and to surprise him, I tried to order a pizza. My gift card failed when I tried to enter it and I hung up in frustration! I actually started to cry about it!! Dan looked flabergasted and asked why I would cry about a dumb old pizza!? I don't cry about much of anything normally. He asked, "What's up?? Are you pregnant or something?" And I proceeded to blurt out a teary, "YES!" and Dan grabbed me and whirled me around in utter joy.

We found out it was a boy on February 8th and we named him at that point - Blake Alan Swanson. My husband Dan's first words, "That's my boy!!" and pride dripping from every syllable!

My pregnancy wasn't easy and I didn't enjoy being pregnant. Although I delighted that my body was able to enter into the miracle that is making a life. I had 2 infections early on and was so afraid of losing my little one. And after that I had so many discomfort issues. I found out later that I was having contractions from about the fifth month on! I am so glad that I didn't know they were contractions or it would have caused my anxious brain a lot of nervous worry and stress. I ended up going to triage in the 8th month after a morning of not feeling my baby move and they told me I was having contractions ever 3-4 minutes!! I had been having them for months and honestly thought it was the baby moving around! Little Blake was fine; just taking a nap they said. But he scared about a year off of Mommy's life!!

The last month was so hard - so much pain and so many contractions! I sat and sat and grumbled and cried and wished the whole thing would just end already! Little did I know, the end was soon in sight. On Thursday June 21, I went to my regularly scheduled OB appointment and during the measuring my doctor was shocked to find I was measuring only 35 weeks big when I should have measured 39. I think she freaked out a little and I was hoping it was just my baby dropping into my pelvis. The doctor immediately ordered an ultrasound and the next day, I awoke just knowing that everything was most likely fine and I was going to be pregnant for the rest of my life! Everything was hurting and huge and annoying. I went to my ultrasound and they said that I was indeed small and my little one was most likely about 6 pounds in size. I was sent back home and told the doctor would call in an hour with the results.

I didn't think anything about it - I already just "knew" that they would call and tell me all was fine and probably labor was out another 2 weeks. Ug! So tired of waiting and feeling huge!

I ate a huge lunch and surfed the internet and watched tv. About an hour later a 1pm on Friday the 22 of June, my doctor called and asked if Dan was there...I felt a little tilt in my world. That couldn't be good if I couldn't hear the news without Dan there... She proceeded to tell me that my amniotic fluid was low and I was measuring too small and with all my contractions, she had decided to induce and that I should go to the hospital within the hour. I just freaked out!!! But in my way of coping, I just knew I had to clean! So I calmly cleaned the kitchen, texted Dan to come home, watered my plants and took care of my cat, Crystal. I put my things in a bag and remembered everything I needed. I was pretty panicked, but those tasks always calm me! Stress equals cleaning in my world!

A nervous husband drove me to the hospital and we settled into our room and I was hooked up to a bazillion monitors, and an IV. It was so stressful as I saw Blake's heartbeat drop with every contraction I had. This must have been happening for a month and he was stressed out and unhappy. I felt so emotional and bad. The doctors and nurses just about made the decision to wheel me into OR right then to perform a c-section. But my doctor came in and said we would start pitocen to see if my body could dilate and be ready for birth by morning. After they started the pictocen, Blake's heartbeat evened out and he became so much more stable. It was odd and strange but I was thankful. Guess the little guy likes drugs! However by morning, his heartbeat again was dropping thru each contraction. It was so hard on me and so stressful to hear. At 7am I asked if I could order some breakfast and they said, "no" because they would be performing a c-section in an hour! Now, anyone who knows me, knows I am TERRIFIED of surgery! I was so anxious! But more than that, I wanted my little Blake to be ok. So I took myself in hand and decided to be ok with the whole thing.

Nurses and doctors started to swirl around me and prep me for the surgery. It was so overwhelming and I kept wondering how I would make it thru. I was able to walk to the OR. Dan was placed in a small area to change into the "bunny suit" so that he could be with me during the surgery. In OR they prepped me for the Spinal to numb my bottom half. I didn't flinch at all - after all the pain of the last month, this seemed minor. I hated the numbing, tingling feeling as it spread thru my legs and up into my chest. I felt like I couldn't breath. A sheet was placed over my neck and I felt so claustrophobic with it so close to my eyes. They brought in Dan and I begged him to talk to me but he was just as distracted as I was. I heard a heart beat start dropping and immediately asked if that was my Blake, and they said no, that was my heartbeat. So strange... I felt so much pressure on my abdomen and I was so afraid they were cutting in the wrong place! It made me so panicky to know there was a knife on me. But suddenly I heard a hiccupy cry and felt my emotions surge to the fore. A little behind appeared above me over the curtain and I just burst into tears as I heard his little heartfelt cries. The doctor said, "Happy birthday little Blake! Welcome to the world." Dan went over to be with him as they weighed and washed our little bundle. I was so desperate to see what was happening, but my anesthesiologist told me everything that was happening and how they were giving him his vitamin k shot and that Dan was watching. They tell me his umbilical cord was only 4 inches in length!! That is why he was under so much stress. If I had tried to deliver him vaginally, he most likely would not have survived. That makes me catch my breath! I was suddenly so thankful we had done a c section.

They brought my baby back over and placed him on my cheek - at once I was overwhelmed with claustrophobia - the sheet in front and my baby so close I couldn't even see him! So I asked them to pull him back a bit so I could kiss him. Such a sweet little 5 pound 8 ounce bundle of joy, all swaddled and full of sweet cries. So much of what happened next is foggy and I will do my best to reconstruct the story from what Dan and I remember and what we were told happened.

A nurse came over or a doctor, I am not sure which and while I was still being sewed up, told me my baby had some interesting features. My mind wasn't registering what they meant but Dan said he knew it couldn't be good. They said he had a semi-crease, and slanted eyes and lower ears, all consistent with Trisomy 21. What?? What is that my mind was asking...The doctor is not done talking, "better known as Down Syndrome." My heart flinches and I look back and see my VERY pale husband beginning to pass out. "His sugars," I remember myself yelling, "he's diabetic!!" A nurse gives him crackers and tells him he is lucky because not just anyone eats in the OR. I remember feeling very calm like I was in the eye of the storm. Dan is crying. It's all so surreal and I am still paralyzed and lying on this hard table with my insides cut open! Calmness...acceptance...I never once questioned that he was mine and I would love him no matter what they told me.

I don't remember anything after that until I am in the recovery room. I vaguely remember being shifted to a wheeled bed and I certainly remember the recovery room. I had the doctor on my left side and the nurse on my right. My nurse suddenly looked at me so fiercely and told me, and I paraphrase, "you feel whatever you need to and don't judge any emotion you may have! This is huge and you are allowed to feel anything you need to." She was crying and I know she said more but I just hugged her. I don't know if it was peace or shock or feeling numbed over it all. Dan leans over my bed in tears and kisses me. He looks so sad. Is this happening? I never ever even considered this as part of my story! I even skipped those chapters in my pregnancy book. I figured I am healthy and still somewhat young at 34. That would never be my story. But here it is - it is mine and I have got to figure it all out.

Still I am stoic and don't cry a bit. They finally wheel me into my post-partum room. And I proceed to be sick 4 times in a row! So much and so numb physically. But I am beyond relieved that the most frightening thing, surgery, is behind me and I am in a sunlit room and not the bright sterile lights of the OR that looked like every OR I have ever seen on television.

Guests start coming and I am looking at my little Blake in shock! He is really mine - he just came out of me! It is so surreal. He must be someone else's to be so perfect and to be so mine. I only feel love for my little Taco. He gains that name as the nurses try to teach me to swaddle him - they say, "Wrap him like a burrito.." But he is too tiny to be a burrito and so he is my Taco. I love him, and I am afraid I will hurt him. He is soooo tiny and sweet. I can't get enough of staring into his beautiful little face.

The first hours are so stressful. They keep checking temperature and blood sugar and both are low. 9 times they poked him that first night and the next day they poked him an indeterminate amount of times for the many labs he will have to undergo.He is poked 4 times in each hand and each foot and they even draw blood from his head. He doesn't cry, but I do. It hurts to see my Taco as a pin cushion. Each test brings a measure of fear to my heart...can he hear? Are his kidneys ok? Is his heart all right - 1 out of every 2 Down's babies has to have heart surgery - can he see? Liver? Lungs?

His temperature wouldn't stabilize and his sugars wouldn't stabilize...such worry. They end up giving him formula and once again I am so sad. I want to be there for him and my entire birthing plan up to this point has been thrown out the window. I wanted natural the whole way but that hasn't happened and now I can't even give him the nourishment he needs. Over the course of time this abates and I am able to pump to give him my own milk...that is relief but breastfeeding is still an issue.

We had a steady flow of visitors - it was so nice to see friendly faces and talk to people and feel the love from everyone. I was able to go home a day early which was so nice! I was anxious for the normality of home and I was tired of being checked on every 15 minutes in the hospital - blood pressure checks and temperature checks... it was so tiring and I was so excited to get home to start our lives together.

Over the next few days we visit the doctor atleast once on each day. I am relieved as the tests begin coming back. His heart is healthy, his jaundice is indirect and so his liver is healthy and his hearing is perfect - actually above average! That means so much. On Friday they confirm the Trisomy 21 diagnosis and I know that is what it is supposed to be. Blake is perfect to me and I know that God made him exactly as he is supposed to be. He is my little loving earth angel and I know deep down he was given not only to Dan and me, but he was given to our families to draw them together. I keep thinking the verse, "A little child shall lead them."