I felt so at peace with the diagnosis at first - I knew I could handle it and this was the path I was supposed to walk. Then two days later, I went on facebook and accessed a page that I have been following for the past 4 months - June 2012 babies. I have loved that page. I get on every day and read and post about pregnancy woes and ailments and gripe and complain with the other girls about having to pee every 10 minutes and feeling like our weight just keeps climbing. I love reading their responses and laugh along with their stories of our shared ailments. The last month has been especially fun as the babies have begun to appear - so many wonderous little faces with such unique birthing stories and so much joy behind them! The girls post birth weights and lengths and post the stories of how they finally just knew it was time to head for the hospital! I feel at once happy and jealous! When will it be my turn?? I feel like I am going to be pregnant for the rest of my life!!!
But two days after Blake is born, I notice my facebook feed filled up with posts from this June board and I click to read the newest post. And that's when it hits me. These woman are struggling with feedings and when to diaper change and how many sleepless nights they are having and I realize I am no longer one of them - I am not just a "normal" mother any more and my son is no longer a "normal" baby. What does normal mean anyway? What a horrible dreadful word! I hate that word! He's normal to me! But I suddenly realize, no one else posted about a Down's baby...were they afraid to mention it? Did no one else have this happen? They say one in 300 babies is a Down's baby - there are 300 woman on the board - maybe I am the ONLY one and I feel a deep down sting and pain and tears spill over my cheeks. This wasn't supposed to happen and this wasn't the path I had imagined and I feel so sad. I wanted my son to be "cool", to have the things I imagine for him and the life I ache to give him. This isn't every what I imagined - I skipped those chapters in my pregnancy books. I never once considered this reality and yet here it is.
I close the facebook board and I don't think I will ever post my story - it is too hard not to be one of them.
You sweet girl...you have been blessed with an angel...a perfect angel. And you are the perfect mommy for Blake.... The only mommy for Blake....you are his mommy angel. You are the most special mommy.... The number one mommy of those 300....you are blessed, chosen by God, to be Blake's mommy. The only woman of the 300 that can be the mommy Blake needs. Those other women may not have been able to or have been willing to be Blake's mommy. God never gives us more than we can handle...you, my friend, are a chosen mommy. And don't doubt for a minute that you and Dan and Blake aren't the perfect family. We don't always get our prayers answered the way we want them to be. Sometimes God has something better for us...Blake is your better...and he is a beautiful better. A child of God that is precious to God. That's why He knew Blake would be safe with you and Dan. God probably can find only one in 300 families to trust His Blakes to. Congratulations... God bless your new little family... We can't wait to see the little taco!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Maureen. That is such a beautiful way of looking at it. I love you so much. And your words are so dear to me. I never saw it that way before you said it.
DeleteI love you, too. If you ever want to talk, don't hesitate to call ....
ReplyDeleteDear Lizzy-- I know we have only met a few times but from all my mom has told me about you (she's a BIG fan), I feel like I know you. I normally would leave a response to this blog for your close friends and family since it shares your heart so honestly and I don't want to barge into what is surely a very private experience. However, ever since Blake was born, I have been praying for you and Dan and when I saw your post it really touched my heart. Having been through a very difficult personal loss this spring, I felt compelled to write you back-- and send you a cyber "hug" too...
ReplyDeleteYou are not "losing it" although I know it feels that way. My heart aches for you but I also know from personal experience that even having people around who love and support us does not dull the pain and grief of seeing our dreams die. Now it's true that down the road you may look back and see that God had a plan and that the path you are on makes more sense in retrospect than it does now-- or maybe you won't ever get to see that perspective with human vision. Either way, it won't change your emotions today-- in these despairing, "losing it" moments, life is sad and disappointing and our fears grow legs. It's ok to own those feeling as yours--even though I know you are a "chin up" tough gal with a huge heart, you will not always feel like one. That's ok-- grieve the dream you had for your taco, for you, for your family... it's ok to be sad-- those were really good dreams you had, even if they aren't meant to materialize the way you hoped. And dont be surprised as you see yourself move through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) although we don't always go in order-- but those are all normal emotions when we grieve a loss-- whether its the death of a loved one or the death of a dream. I recently read a book by Pete Wilson called "Plan B" which was such an encouragement-- what I liked the most was that it was devoid of silly platitudes (which usually relate to how everything will eventually all work out) and was honest about the fact that when our "Plan A's" dont materialize that it is easy (and pretty normal) to doubt God's goodness-- but how that very doubt can become the beginning of a journey towards Plan B (which might just turn out to be the Plan for which we were created and where we find peace and purpose). Anyway, I would love to mail you a copy if you are interested (or you can steal my mom's!).
You are a brave and wonderful woman with a challenging road ahead-- don't be afraid to feel what you feel and lean on the community of friends and family around you (I know grandma #3 has a literal shoulder nearby-- I've used it alot lately! and I have a cyber ear (and hug) for you anytime)
Sorry for the long post-- you three are in my prayers.
May he bless you and keep you....and give you peace.
In His Grip,
Kristin
I'm praying for you. I hear your pain in this blog, and my heart weeps for you.
ReplyDeleteThose who have made the biggest impact on history (or on people) have rarely been the same as those around. It takes someone with a fresh outlook, a pure heart, and a special MOM to make big things happen.
Thanks, Paula. That is really a beautiful point and something I appreciate you saying. I wish you were closer and we could just go to lunch and catch up. I miss you so much!
DeleteI remember the first time I went out with my little Autumn. We were at the library, and the librarian came over to peek at my new little one week old. Did she notice she had down syndrome? Did I want her to notice? Did I want her to not notice? Did that make me a bad mother that I wanted her to think my baby was normal? Or did it make me weird that I wanted her to notice this baby was special? The librarian never gave any indication and I didn't share, but weeks of thought went into that interaction. My next big moment was a few years later when a young adult with DS came up to me and said, "I have Down Syndrome, too!" I grew in understanding that day that my daughter is in a special privileged club. I will never get to be in that club, but will only be known as Autumn's mother. And let me tell you, at 4 1/2, it seems like she knows everyone in town, or they are just a good friend that she hasn't met yet. I think I am one of the lucky ones that gets to be part of the club by proxy.
ReplyDelete